The Cockpit



The Cockpit is my most rejected piece of writing. the number of rejections is in double digits. Frankly, I’ve given up. Want to know why it is so rejected? Read on…



I walk into The Cockpit to meet the other vampires and immediately see the girl that I want to take home. She’s talking to some hipster queen by the bar. The reason I come to The Cockpit is because it’s supposed to be a heavy metal bar. I don’t want to talk to or see or deal with hipsters. Oh the sailor tattoos, oh the lumberjack beards. You’re so fucking cool right now. He’s probably here because Call Lane is too mainstream. What a prick.

Someone taps me on the shoulder. It’s Kyle.

“What are you wearing?” Kyle says, laughing.  

I tell him I have just come from a family funeral and he instantly looks horrified at the unintentional faux pas. I’m lying, but watching the guilt rise on his face gives me a bit of a semi.

Kyle is one of the vampires on the Leeds scene that I pretend to be friends with. For some reason the vampires in Leeds act like this is a social group and spend more time smoking shisha and drinking tea than going out and bleeding targets and fucking. They even have some vampire girls in the group which is a little unusual, but as far as I can tell none of them are fucking.

They’re all dressed like they just came out of the Twilight movies. Kyle in particular is dressed like that cunt Robert Pattinson plays. He has a little leather jacket he bought from Urban Outfitters that I’m pretty sure is vegan ‘leather’ because I can’t smell it. He has his hair slicked back like he has seen in every vampire movie ever since 2010.

“What happened to that girl you were seeing?” asks Kyle.

“Bled her and chucked her”, I tell him. I’m thinking it wasn’t worth the effort. The scene in Leeds is getting too hot at the moment. I need to stop losing control.

Kyle is laughing, “You go through so many girls so quickly.”

I tell him that it’s normal where I come from. I say there’s no point keeping them around after you’ve bled them, even if they survive. But no one can hear me properly over the music. Kyle is about to say something else but I’m really not fucking interested. So I ask him if it’s true that they don’t put any security on the toilets here.

“No they don’t, I don’t think so, why?”

I tell Kyle I am thirsty tonight and I might not be able to wait until I get the girl home. Kyle is laughing. He’s such a skinny little shit he can’t have bled anyone in months. I tell him he’s going to have to guard the door for me if I end up taking the girl I want into the toilet. But he’s not taking me seriously.

Natalie comes over to say hello. She is one of the few vampires on the Leeds scene who doesn’t dress like a Twilight or True Blood extra. But she wears too much shit that looks like it came from Hot Topic or something. She’s also a little chubby. Still totally fuckable, but it shows that she’s not feeding properly or else she’d be leaner.

She says she wants to talk to me, I shrug my shoulders and she starts talking. “I haven’t seen Reena since you guys broke up. She isn’t picking up her phone or anything.”

I snigger and ask her if this is a joke. I say that obviously I haven’t seen her since I chucked her either. How would I possibly see her?

“I’m not accusing you of anything,” she says, “I just – maybe I’m worrying about nothing.”

I give Natalie a weird look and she mumbles, “You don’t care.” She walks off.

She’s right I don’t care. What the fuck is she asking about? The Leeds scene is so weird. I’m pretty pissed off now because talking to these cunts has meant that I’ve lost sight of the blonde I was after.

In The Cockpit there are two rooms. One plays shitty rock music and the other plays shitty R&B music. If you stand in the doorway between the two rooms you get a weird R&B remix of every rock song you’ve ever hated.

In the R&B room there are more girls but the girls in the rock room definitely look more slutty. But it’s hard to tell if they actually are. Panda style eye shadow and messy bed hair makes every girl look up-for-it.

I see this guy I know who takes photographs in the clubs in Leeds. He sees me perving, comes up to me and shouts in my ear, “The trouble with rock clubs is that all the four out of tens think they’re at least seven out of tens. It’s the ratio, dude.”

I say that it doesn’t matter because they all bleed the same way anyway. He nods but I don’t know if he really hears me.  

The DJ is playing some song with about 18 guitars in it that seems to be a cue for a mosh pit to start. A lot of cunts are now bouncing around in a circle and bashing into each other.

The mosh pit has pushed the gender ratio on the dance floor even more towards 100% sausage fest, but a couple of girls have moved to where I’m standing.

I ask one of them if it’s true that there’s no security on the door of the toilets here.

“I don’t know, why are you asking me?” she laughs and her friend laughs. But I just look at her. She stops laughing and asks, “What’s wrong with your eyes?” and “What have you spilt on your suit?”

I tell her my eyes are red because I’ve been drinking blood and not sleeping. The stain on my suit is probably blood.

She stays silent.

I tell her that unless she’s intending to suck me off she can fuck off.

Her mate says, “Who the fuck do you think you are?”

I tell her at least I don’t think I’m a seven when I’m a four. She only half understands what I’m talking about, but looks appropriately offended so I’m satisfied. They walk off and I can see them chatting to some little man who starts looking at me aggressively, but is actually hoping he doesn’t have to confront me.  

Kyle comes over to me and asks, “Have you seen my latest upload on Instagram?” I say no and then realise this has unintentionally given him a cue to pull out his iPhone and show me his latest upload.

It’s a picture of some candles in the shape of a pentagon on his glass coffee table. I ask him what the hell he’s showing me. I want to shank him right now. 

“These are those candles I was telling you about on Facebook. The ones with tea tree oil infused into the wax. It’s cleansing and antiseptic and is fantastic for your skin.”

Seriously? I give him a disgusted look. I can’t believe how soft Kyle is, and somehow he is the leader of this clot of vampires.

If you drink blood more often your skin will be fine, I tell him.

“You drink too much blood if you drink as much as you say you do,” I think he says, but it’s really loud in here. I just ignore him. I casually wonder if killing him would result in the clot following me. One for the to-do list but not for tonight.

I walk into the R&B room and this room is even louder. The bass is so heavy that as I walk past one of the speakers I think I will soil myself.

This room is packed and two handsome guys who look like they’ve just discovered steroids have taken their vests off and are getting some attention from some slags.

I see that hipster who was talking to the blonde earlier at the back of the room so I approach him. He is in his own smug world looking at something on his iPhone.

I shout at him, asking him where that hot blonde in the white and red dress has gone.

“What’s it got to do with you?”

What a white knight. I tell him I’m planning to fuck her in the bathroom – maybe kill her if I can get her home.  

The hipster laughs at me and tells me to piss off and says I’m, “Just a nob-head in a suit.”

I just stand my ground and stare at him. He’s quickly terrified. He’s never been this close to a physical confrontation in his sheltered little life. He’s tasting fear and powerlessness for the first time. It turns me on.  

The blonde chick in the red and white dress comes back and says, “Markus, who’s your friend?”  

I introduce myself as Arthur. “That’s a really old name,” she says and I tell her that that’s because I’m really old. But we can barely hear each other. She’s giggling nonetheless, so I think she must be in to me. She’s looking at my eyes.

The white knight hipster leans over and says something into her ear. But she kind of frowns which means he has already lost her. I just need to get rid of him.

“Why are your eyes so red?” she says.

I tell her it’s from all the blood I’ve been drinking. I don’t know if she hears me but she nods her head and says, “Yeah”.

I take a step towards Markus and knock the drink out of his hand. He looks to blondie for some support but she just shrugs. He has totally lost her now and announces that he’s going to the bar for a drink and to, “Wait for me here.”

I tell him it was his round anyway but the joke is lost on him.

When he is out of sight in the crowd I lean over and say to blondie that I want to take her to the toilet and drink blood from her neck.

She laughs and says, “I can’t believe you just said that.” But because she doesn’t say no I grab her hand and walk her through to the toilets.

“I’m not going into the toilet with you,” she says but we’re already heading up the stairs. The toilet is empty so I pull her in and lock the door from the inside. It’s only one of those single room things with a toilet and a sink. She looks at me disapprovingly now, “You know I’m not one of those types of girls”

What type of girls? I genuinely have no idea what she means.

But before she can answer I lift her bum onto the sink so her head is level with mine. Then we kiss but I’m horny as fuck so I can’t help but bite her lip. She looks at me, a bit of genuine fear in her eyes now. Naturally it’s turning me on. “Why are your eyes red?” she asks again.

Because of all the blood I’ve been drinking, I tell her again.

“No really, stop messing around,” she says in between some more kissing.

I squeeze her tits and get one hand up her dress. She’s damp.

Again she says some shit about, “Not being one of those girls,” but she doesn’t stop me fingering her panties to one side.

I pull her off the sink and grab her hands, moving them down to my cock. “You’re fucking huge,” she says. As I’m undoing my belt she protests, “What are you doing?” But she’s kind of laughing too so I know she’s up for it.

She looks at my cock, “Why is it that shape?” She stops smiling now and looks up at me. I know I must be grinning when she asks, “What’s wrong with your teeth?”

Don’t worry about it, I tell her.

She attempts to go down on me but I get too excited and end up banging her head on the outside of the cubicle door. She can barely get her mouth round it. She tries to push me away but she’s not strong enough.

“I can’t take it,” she coughs, pulling it out of her mouth.

I tell her to stand up so I can go down on her. She tastes young and clean. I struggle to keep control.  

“Ahh! Don’t bite!” she screams. Luckily she isn’t bleeding.

I bend her over the sink and stuff my cock inside her. It feels so damp and tight and she makes the sweetest, squeaky moans. I only manage about four thrusts before I lose it and then….





“You’re biting too hard, you’re biting too hard!” Then the screaming becomes more primal until it just sounds like gargling. I can feel the desperate vibrations against my teeth.

When I regain consciousness I don’t know how long I’ve been passed out. It’s always the same after feeding.

I pick myself up and look around. The girl is slumped against the sink. The floor is covered in blood, ejaculate and excrement. She must have emptied herself when she realised I was killing her. It stinks.

My suit is covered in the piss-shit-cum cocktail that’s everywhere on the floor. All I can taste is metal and my lips are crusty.

I check my mobile and I have six missed calls from Kyle. I need him right now. My  pretend friend. Get me out of this tight spot like a good little Twilight hero.

I ring him but the line is shit, you can barely get any signal in here. I just scream down the phone that he has to come to the toilet because I need help.

After about five minutes there’s a knock on the door. It’s Kyle and Natalie. I let them in and I start explaining, screaming really, how I got carried away and must have ripped into her neck and now everything is fucked up. But we can probably sort it. I ask them if they have any contacts who can do a clean up job.

They just stand there. Silent.

So I tell them to chill the fuck out. I’ve done this before – I just messed up. We can sort this if we stay calm. I say I can calm down just give me a minute.

But they just stand there silent. Natalie has gone pale. Kyle vomits but doesn’t say anything. It just spills out of his mouth into the pool of blood and shit and everything else.

And then I realise what has happened and it all makes sense – the weird behaviour of the Leeds scene and the constant talking at cross purposes. The little bastards aren’t vampires. They are just emo kids who like to mess about drinking blood.




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